5 People You Hate

The aggressive shopping cart person: You feel like you’re being assaulted by them as they weave their cart in the aisle, not watching where they are going. What’s the rush? None, apparently, because once they get to where they want to go they leave their cart in the middle of the aisle and browse at a ludicrously slow pace. You fear the sound of their cart rattling behind you as they threaten to ram you down, so you increase your pace but they never let up. If you try to get out of the way, they stop their cart right next to you and resume when you do.

The make-me-an-exception person: When you’re behind this guy in line you feel like punching him in the face and rejoicing with the crowd around you. The return policy is 15 days with a receipt? Oh, and they’re 4 months over with no receipt? What makes them think they can get whatever they want? The sad thing is, this person often does get what they want because everyone is too annoyed to put up with their crap. They’ve been taking up a customer service rep for an hour, and the only way to get them out of there is to give in.

The this-movie-is-beneath-me person: You’re waiting for the movie to start and you hear that guy. You know, the one who criticizes every aspect of the movie before it has even started. The casting looks terrible, the CGI looks mediocre. What a joke, who would make this into a movie? But wait, it isn’t over; once the movie starts they still don’t shut up. Why is the character doing that? This movie is stupid. Laughing at inappropriate times because they simply don’t understand what the movie is about. Before you go into a movie, make sure you know what it is about, you jerk.

The nothing-you-say-is-right person: If you haven’t met a person like this, you’re damn lucky. This breed is particularly horrific and irritating in that no matter what you say, what opinion you have even if it is a concurrent opinion, is wrong. I like Marvel. Oh, you like Marvel? Not as much as I do. Oh, you like hiking? That is absurdly stupid, no one likes hiking. I liked everything you like before you and my opinion is far more valid than you on virtually all topics, including ones I’ve never heard of.

The nonsensical-rage-towards-mundane-topics person: Whatever you do, don’t bring up Pepsi vs. Coke or the blazing whirlwind of terror will be unleashed upon you. This guy gets vein-bulging, blood-pressuring-rising worked up about the most pointless of topics. This usually ensues in a one-sided fight. How to eat an Oreo, toilet paper flipped up or down, and “soda” vs. “pop” are common fodder for the ongoing rage-fest. Could someone please tell him to take a Xanax and get real? Thanks.

Have any more? Drop a comment and add a new one. And if a single one of you adds “people who make lists like the one Eloise just did” I’ll throw you in a vat of slugs!


About Eloise J. Knapp

Eloise J. Knapp is an author and designer living in the Pacific Northwest.
This entry was posted in Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to 5 People You Hate

  1. paultagonist says:

    Sooooo true for us first-worlders! Especially that last one, IMOPE (in my own personal experience; I just made it up). Some people can find the most trivial, inconsequential things to seriously debate about.

  2. Randy D. Rubin says:

    There are several types more that I can think of in my personal experiences of life. Here is one (type) not mentioned: That guy (or gal) whom you’ve never met who wants to talk to you while you’re either mowing your lawn or working with some power tool or a vacuum cleaner and they expect you to turn it off to suddenly be their new best friend.

    Then there’s the person who comes up to you usually on a bicycle and wants to strike up a conversation of what you hope is genuine friendliness or conviviality, but slowly turns into, “Hey buddy, you got a cigarette on ya”, then progresses later in the course of the conversation to, “listen I was headed to the corner store for a beer and I’m fifty cents short, so like ya got any change you can spare?” and as you’re trying to end this little party, you notice this newly acquired friend is looking over your shoulder more than he’s looking at you to see what you have in your yard. He then gets pissed because you haven’t funded his next drink and spits on your car that you invariably don’t notice until later.

    I’ll end with the most loathesome, despicable type individuals in my half-century on this planet. Those evil, motherless, gutless, bastards who decided that what I’ve worked so hard for was in fact an entitlement to them so they broke through my sliding glass patio doors with a hammer in broad daylight, literally kicked my main door frame out of the frame with the locked door shattered and in a matter of seven minutes had filled all four of the pillow cases on my bed with valuables and “loot” and family heirlooms of little intrinsic value other than to me and my children and walked merrily out of my front door while everyone else was at work and I was on my way to Walmart to get my grandson’s school supplies. These individuals ass raped me figuratively and destroyed the sanctity of my home and altered my lifestyle. I now never leave my home unattended. I now have to pay a house sitter to watch my home. I had an ADT system. The police did not respond to the call for forty-five minutes. Thanks ADT. I have never contemplated killing another human being out of rage until this incident. Now I want these unemployed, uneducated, tribal, shit-slinging ass monkeys to die horrendous slow deaths or I want to fire hot burning lead into each of their eye sockets. Then I want MY stuff back. I never consider going into their homes while they’re out, busting in their doors and destroying the structure of their living spaces, then ransack and usurp their hard earned stuff. Civil people don’t act like that. I hate those people.

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